Don't ever let anyone tell you that getting old is fun. The first call I received today was from my very grateful pharmacist. LOL. He knows a cash cow when he sees one.
A long time ago I used to think about the world reaching the year 2000. It seemed like such a fantasy back then and here we are nearly 24 years on the other side of what we all thought would be "the future". Which is now the present.
Right now, today, is just my anniversary date for another trip around the sun. This time a year ago I was celebrating from a recliner in a hospital room awaiting the inevitable.
Life has such a way of making us understand that the stuff we thought mattered really doesn't. At the time I thought that was the worst birthday that I ever had. In retrospect, still being here to have to see another one without her by my side might be even worse.
All the important people in my life tell me that I shouldn't have that attitude. I have battled some mental and emotional demons in the past year to the point in August I was concerned about even caring enough to hang around for one more day.
I never thought my "Golden Years" would turn into tarnished brass. Yet, here we are. Waking up every morning looking for a reason to hang around for one more day.
Some people would consider themselves lucky to have it as good as I do. I've got a place to live, people who care about me, a small number of good and trusted friends, as well as relatively good health.
A good portion of the time, I vacillate between being grateful for what I have and being bitter for what I've lost. When you lose someone that's important to you like I did, the hardest part is when it gets quiet late at night. There are demons, both real and imagined, that visit you on a regular basis at three in the morning.
We all know that several weeks ago I documented in this very space some of the torments I was going through. Around the middle of August, things got real sketchy for me for a couple of days. Thankfully, intervention and realizing that a permanent solution to a temporary problem if not really the flex you think it is made me come to my senses.
Hopefully, some of the things that I have processed in this journey can help other people. Depression is a real thing. Mental health imbalances can impair your cognizant thinking. Selfish choices that we might make impact those around you much more than they will ever really impact your blessing of continued life.
On the positive side, in a little over a week I face the anniversary of the worst day of my life. It will have been a full year since Katrina left us. Back in August, I had no plans on even being here to see the date. But now I plan on embracing the 45 years we did have instead of mourning the 46th year that we should have had.
Regardless of what anyone thinks of me, or whether you believe I'm the person others have tried to portray me as, doesn't really matter anymore. Like Reba McEntire says in old her song, I am a survivor. When you have walked through the fire and emerge from the flames just deeply tanned, your perspective changes.
Everyone has been wishing me a happy birthday. I ain't going to lie. It's not the happiest one that I've ever had. But it's another one. And just being here is celebration enough.
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